The Case of The People vs. God

As some may have heard, actor Dennis Quaid recently sued Baxter (the company that makes the bloodthinner "Heparin") after his newborn twins were accidentally given 1,000 times the appropriate dosage.

The way it went down, apparently, was that the nurse giving the medicine was reaching for "Hep Lock" (which is a diluted form of the medication); however, she instead grabbed the bottle labeled "Heparin" (see below). So, instead of giving 10 Units ("Hep Lock"), the dosage given was 10,000 Units ("Heparin").




The lawsuit being filed by Quaid "alleges Baxter Healthcare failed to put clear labels on vials of Heparin which caused the mix-up".

Clear labels? Hmmm... interesting. Because to the untrained eye, it might look like the Heparin vile is dark blue, while the Hep-Lock vile is light blue. Also, the word "Heparin" seems to have an "R" in it, missing from the dangerously similar "Hep-Lock". And, even upon closer inspection, they are spelled differently altogether (lookie there, the Heparin vile has the number "10,000 Units" written right on it... Hmm, I wonder what THAT could mean?).

Of course, the hospital involved has apologized on behalf of its staff, suggesting that "human error" was the cause. Still, Baxter is the party being sued. Skeptics, rest assured, the Quaids have assured us that this is "not at all about the money."

As such, I would like to suggest the following lawsuits:

Lawsuit #1: The Case of The People vs. The Color Black

For quite a long time now, many people have been reading up on and instilling their faith in the wrong religion! It was just a few days ago when it was brought to my attention that the paperback covers used for two quite different books look almost IDENTICAL!!! Hazzah, millions of people have been reading the wrong book!





Certainly, upon buying the book, the savvy shopper could have differentiated one from the other by using techniques such as spelling and reading; but, the near-similar spelling and identical cover colors would easily confuse the best of us.

Most notably, though, both covers are black; therefore, it is only fair to sue the color black. This egregious error has led to many souls ending up in hell and many others doing good deeds against their will. We, the people, hereby demand that the color black never be used for covers of books in the same genre.

Lawsuit #2: The Case of The People vs. The British (for inventing English and, so, the phrase "28 Days")

On a larger scale, I would like to act as the Robin Hood of moviegoers who, earlier this decade were duped into going to the wrong movie solely because of deceptive titling.

In the movie world, there are two genres that may come dangerously close, but should never be confused: "Horror" and "Crap". Well, movie aficionados nationwide had to suffer from such a mix up when two studios decided to name their movies with almost identical titles:

• The British horror release "28 Days Later" (a zombie medical thriller)
  
• The US crap release "28 Days" (a piece of crap)
  

Just to help you understand, according to IMDB, "28 Days" is a movie starring The Oscar non-Nominated Sandra Bullock. It is about a big-city newspaper columnist who is forced to enter a drug and alcohol rehab center after stealing a limousine and crashing it into a house. Surely, if you're not asleep after reading that sentence, you've come to realize that NO ONE wants to see THAT movie.




In this lawsuit, it should be proposed that (1) movies with similar titles should be avoided, if at all possible and/or (2) if similar titles are used, a panel be formed to label the one that is crap so all of us can clearly see (although, my argument is weakened by the mere appearance of the posters above; hard to confuse which poster is the crap flick: one of the posters is red, has a dude walking on the Thames, has a cool nuclear symbol, and has enlarged the words "Exposure," "Infection," "Epidemic," "Evacuation," and "Devastation"... while the other has THAT picture of Sandra Bullock).

And, finally...

Lawsuit #3: The Case of The People vs. God

We have all read the horrific stories of patients going for surgery to amputate a leg (or other body part) only to wake up and find that the wrong leg has been amputated. This is surely beyond fathomable.

Medical mistake? Certainly. Human error? Sure.



I'm going to take this a step beyond the obvious, though...

Given that it has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that God created us all; and, given that after closely examining the picture above, you'll note that legs, in general, look so much alike (and are in such close proximity--especially on the same patient) and that anyone could easily mistake the right for the left: they are same length, size, color, and have the same taste and smell.... I make a motion to file the lawsuit "The People vs. God".

In this lawsuit, one would most definitely not be suing for the money. We simply ask our creator to reconsider the layout for our anatomy. It would be fair to request what I call "a triple change": left and right legs (and/or other body parts) should have (1) different colors, (2) different lengths, and (3) variable number of toes.

With the patient under anesthesia, one could easily remember "Right Leg" instead of "Left Leg." But, how could you cut off the wrong leg when the description in the chart reads: "Will plan to amputate the longer leg which is mauve and possesses 13 toes."

I rest my case.

How I Created, Entered in, and Won My Own Sudoku Olympics!

Let's not kid ourselves; the Sudoku craze has taken over the planet. Everywhere you look (or at least everywhere I look) little kids and cute grandmas are penciling in their own set of mysteriously addictive squares.

Is it a one or a nine here? Does this box have a six? This can't be a seven? THIS CAN'T BE A SEVEN!!!

It's amazing the kind of joy those mystical numbers, 1 to 9, will bring you. How relieved we've all felt when we finally cracked that one hard to decipher box.

Anyway, you get my point: Sudoku is Life; Life is Sudoku!!!

For the past two weeks, in the absence of my Sudoku partner, I've made a pact with myself that I will become a better Sudoku player. I want to help my team become better, be better, Sudoku better (as you may already know, "Sudoku" has also become a verb; much like "TiVo").

As such, I have made myself (1) use a pen and (2) fill boxes out with ONE (and only one) guess for as long as possible before engaging in the ultimate game of "what can this box be" strategy.

After making this goal known to myself, it is with great pride and pleasure that I can finally boast about the photograph below.



Nothing special, you say? Well, look again! Notice all the ink marks made WITHOUT any erasures or multiple-numbered boxes! (all signs of Sudoku weakness!).

No! Not I. I am a Sudoku Olympian! I am a medalist in the Sudoku Olympic games of 2007 in Culver City's North Corner Adjacent Palms! YES, it is now officially on my resume!

I can finally be a better Sudoku partner!
I no longer have to mark up an empty box with "potential" numbers or "educated" guesses!
Free at last! Free at Last! Thank Sudoku almighty, I am free at last!!!

Is Tonight's "24" Season Finale a Repeat?

If you are one of the many people that have watched more than (or equal to) 5 episodes of "24", then you probably have figured out that the show is on perpetual repeat. Watching any new episode is synonymous with having a very strange flashback: I know I've been here before, but I can't quite recognize it. You are pretty sure you know what's coming, but because you are not 100% sure, you end up watching to secure the fact that yes, indeed, you've been here before. It's the classic carrot-in-front-of-the-horse trick: I'm almost there... nope, I'm almost there... nope, I'm almost there.

It still baffles me that this show has been on the air for (is it actually?) six seasons. So, it was a subconscious reaction to roll my eyes when I heard that tonight is the season finale "24." I can instantly name a few friends that are sure to be glued to their TVs right now (as I type this) watching and waiting for the excitement that is to unfold.

I, instead, thought I would blog about it. Through the magic of telepathy (and the art of repetition), I'm going to guess what tonight's episode will entail. In fact, I'd like to solve the "equation" of "24" before our very eyes. So, without further adieu, here is what will happen in tonight's season finale of "24" (Spoiler Alert!). In fact, here is what will probably happen in EVERY episode of "24" you will ever watch:

• The balance of national (or even global) security will be tilted and an imminent danger will present itself.
• This imminent danger will be so sub-sub-sub-classified that (somehow) only a few people in the world will know about it: namely, Jack Bauer, his boss, his boss' boss, and a lowly intern caught in the middle.
• In the early part of the show, it will become apparent that either one of the bosses OR the lowly intern is IN on the plot.
• It is at this time that Jack Bauer will be arrested (for all the wrong reasons: ie, trespassing amidst the gravest of security issues ever to arise).
• Seconds away from sure disaster, Bauer, with the help of an innocent, honest, hard-working person (who will soon die) will escape.
• With the slick help of some movie magic, Bauer will drive from Pasadena to Santa Monica in 15 minutes during mid-day on a Friday! (C'mon!)
• Bauer will foil the nefarious plot, but in the process any combination of the following will die
• Jack's Boss
• Jack's Boss' Boss
• Innocent, hard-working person (see above)
• Bad Guy (or Gal, let's be fair)
• The episode will end with a chilling cliffhanger that will reveal even more grave danger than previously thought.

How many times can the above scenario successfully run on primetime television? Well, what's 6x22? Because after tonight, that's how many times in can run.

And, it will run again next year and beyond... especially since Keifer Sutherland has just signed a contract through 2025. I wonder if it will still be exciting watching Bauer with a walker and false teeth?

So, to all the "24" fans... go ahead and knock yourself out. I can't really complain... how many times have I paid to watch yet another reincarnation of "Romeo and Juliet?" More than I'd like to remember.

For now, I'll skip the algorithm above and, instead, blog about it. Because I'm cool. And, I blog.

Plus, the World is Now a Better Place

There are a few times a year when something comes along that you know will change the way you live your life. Quickly thinking back, I can recall my first few days with TiVo and the first time I used a microwave. Thanks to the technology boom, these special occasions are now far and few between.

Just yesterday, I came across the probable 2007 winner. During a leisurely breakfast, while flipping through the pages of Entertainment Weekly, I came across a drink that may alter life as we know it: Diet Coke PLUS.

Just when we thought everything in the Coke world had stabilized, here comes the biggest and best drink concoction of all time! Not only is this Diet Coke (which originally was made from carbonated, sweetened soap water), but they've added some essentials: Each 8-ounce serving of Diet Coke Plus provides 15% of the daily value for niacin and vitamins B6 and B12, and 10% for zinc and magnesium!

Don't bother trying to figure out things like "why 15%" or "zinc"? Just sit back and sip back a cold Diet Coke Plus. For all of us conscious eaters who feel a bit "dirty" having just a plain Diet Coke, we can now get a step up on life! Now, we will be vitaminized and magnesiumed!

No longer will you say: I sure hope this sweetener Coke uses doesn't cause cancer. We will not have to bare that soapy taste for no reason. All our troubles will be amply rewarded with over 10% of our daily need for niacin, B6, B12, zinc and magnesium!

Thank you, Coke, for sprinkling some Centrum into our drink! Delicious! Healthy! And invigorating!

As the ad line says: Your friend just got friendlier.

Hello Diet Coke PLUS! Goodbye long, sleepless nights!

Why You Should Never Tip at Starbucks

As I might on any given Sunday, I decided to read the newspaper today. The question, as always, was "where to enjoy my paper?" Once again, by some mysterious power that leaves humans blinded to the inferiority of Starbucks (vs. the superior Peete's Coffee or Coffee Bean--or any other coffee shop for that matter), I chose to enjoy my newspaper at... my local Starbucks. Thank you, will power.

While trying to sound like I belonged by saying something like "I'll have a tall gingerbread latte" (which, by the way, has no meaning outside the walls of a Starbucks), the cashier interacted with me in the usual obligatory fashion:

(1) With a smile so wide that left him only a dabble of face paint away from being cast as The Joker in "Batman 8: Before the Bat".
(2) With the unusually frequent and tireless usage of the words "great" and "thanks", and
(3) With the generally eerie aura that surrounds most Starbucks (and Jamba Juice) employees.

In accordance with my already hypnotized thought process, I found myself glaring at the infamous tip jar next to the cash register wondering "to tip or not to tip"?

Surely, all of us have thought about this question, its twisted moralities, and the global consequences in far more detail than we have wondered about the ongoing war that (I believe) our country is having with one of the three (or is it actually four?) countries in the Middle East. (Because the breadth of research needed to correct and confirm this last sentence is beyond the scope of this blog, I will leave it as is).

As I heard the words "here's your change, sir, have a super terrific day," I found my left hand (now holding my change--$3.05) fighting with my right hand at a Starbucks yet again. Alas! My left hand, victorious for an unprecedented third straight time this week, won again, slipping a single dollar bill (representing a 44% tip!!!) into the tip jar.

Happy and beaming with an astronomical sense of accomplishment, I stepped away from the counter with a large smile. I was certain that global economy was safe for another day! With my chest puffed out, I waited to hear those magical words: "Tall Gingerbread Latte (for our hero and savior)".

After just enough time had passed for me to visualize the parade that Starbucks would surely throw in my honor, things began to unfold.

"Tall Latte," said the barista.

Immediately, I thought "Just a tall latte?" What about the Gingerbread? How am I supposed to enjoy my paper without the scrumptious aroma of gingerbread? After all, I'm the guy! I'm the 44% guy! Surely this must be an oversight and I must speak up.

Now, mind you, I am a thirty-two year old male. Speaking up at a crowded Starbucks about how the barista must have forgotten the gingerbread is probably not the best course of action (not to mention the fact that I actually know the word "barista"). I could try to coyly remind the gentleman of his mistake; however, as we've all learned from Hollywood's famous lines (such as "Price check on extra absorbent feminine pads on check stand three"), it's not wise to speak up. Certainly, I could handle this error. I'm a survivor; I'm a warrior; this will only be a slight setback to my day.

Destined to be the martyr, not only was I the 44% guy, I was also going to be the sacrificial lamb to the gross error that was just made in Los Angeles, CA.

After quickly "fixing" my drink (translation: seven packets of sugar and 6 ounces of milk later), I decided to land at the open table next to the window (prime real estate at this Starbucks). Just as I was about to embark on my terrific afternoon, I noticed a few "issues" with my sitting station: (1) there was trash on the actual seat, (2) there were wet remnants of the last person's drink on the table, and (3) nothing was being done about it.

While clutching the newspaper to my chest and holding my drink, I somehow managed to get napkins, wipe the tabletop with one hand, and dispose of the trash on the seat in one felt swoop. I could finally begin the "Reading of the Newspaper" portion of my day!!!

Demoralized hours later, I now realize how successful Starbucks really is. I had not only managed to decide on my least favorite coffee house, but what had ensued could surely not have been real: I overpaid for coffee (per usual); I accepted and paid for a drink I had not even ordered; I had managed to one-handedly wipe the table top and throw away someone else's mess; and, finally, I somehow found it in my heart to clean up after myself so that the next person (or heaven forbid, the Starbucks staff) wouldn't have to.

Oh, did I forget to mention that for all that, I had also left a 44% tip?